gag
I'm sure to be feeling sorry for myself but all I really want in the world right now is to start over.
How is that I ended up with a boyfriend / sex buddy... or whatever the hell we're calling each other this week... who thinks of me as an errand boy? He does not call me to hang out but to pick up zinc tablets for him or to buy him food when he gets home from band practice.
My friends have finally given up calling me because I never answer my phone. I don't want to go out anymore because I harbor the feeling that no one is truly spending time with me on a want basis but rather on a guilt / sense of duty basis.
Before you remind me that it's the depression talking I will tell you that I know good and well that this is what it is. I'm also working 12+ hour days and coming in on weekends for 8 hours or so a day. Why the hell not? I've got too much work to do and I'm pretty sure that I'm not a fun person to be around at the moment...
I talked to a friend earlier today and he said that he wasn't doing anything this weekend. This was just after he told me that he wanted to go to a movie tonight. So it made me feel like hanging out with me = doing nothing. I know that this is all shadows of missing self esteem caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely.
It doesn't make me feel any better to know that something biological that could easily be treated by a faithful regime of drugs is causing this. It does not matter about the cause and I don't want to hear the solutions.
I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop doubting everything I do, think or say. I want to stop disliking my personality and stop being constantly irritated by me because let's face it... I have to spend a hell of a lot of time with a person I want dead.
I'm pretty sure that a majority of the people that I come into contact with on a daily basis have no idea that I feel miserable. I've been putting on the Karli Show for so damn long that they wouldn't even believe me if I finally did break down and say I needed help.
I broke down too many times to the Boy and all other past significant others and they left. They took off because they got tired of me not doing anything about it. I wish that I didn't blame them but I do sometimes. I daydream of someone loving me. I drift into thoughts of someone brushing the hair of my cheeks and being happy to be near me. Someone who knows what I want without having to ask...
I can't think of anywhere I want to be. Not a single place... If suddenly I found myself on the Price is Right as the winner of the Showcase Showdown I'd more than likely give my two week, all expenses paid trip to Fiji to my parents.
I'm falling apart and there's no one I really want around me to help me put it back together. I feel like anyone who wants to talk to me about this depression is doing it out of some kind of community involvement initiative.
It's a Saturday night and I'm spending it the same way I spent my Friday night... crying into tissues and trying to get some of my projects done. There are too many tasks to accomplish and far too many Kleenex wadded up in the trash...
I don't know where to go and I'm tired of listening to myself. I'm tired of hearing the crap that runs through my brain. I'm not brave enough to end it all which is a mixed blessing but I can't continue on like this. I half wish for brain damage or a truly bad car accident.
I feel like I tell too much to the wrong people. Friends who are friends because they know my fun side and who are not interested in the thousands of ways that it's painful to get up in the morning. They just want me to hurry up with the feeling bad part so that I can start cracking jokes about the flashers in the park... Or this is how it feels.
My perception is off, certainly. I just don't believe in it anymore. I don't feel like I can keep going because I'm all alone. And it's at this point in my pointless diatribe that I start thinking about how I'm supposed to find a movie to go to with my friend...
...with a puffy face and feeling like there isn't any hope I'm required to dig through movie times and reviews. I hate listening to myself. Who is out there reading this??? What the fuck! I shouldn't post this because it's meaningless but I have to write something.
I don't know. I'm at the end of my rope and that little kitten with the "hang in there" quote above it just makes me want to gag.
sorry.
