You Like Pity Parties, I guess I do too
I'm tired of thinking that I suck. Too tired to attempt another go with the witchcraft purveyors we call shrinks. I don't want to take the pills and I don't want to pay for them. I don't want to tell you how I feel about the things that happen and how I fear the things that have yet to be.
I'm nice and pissed off at myself every moment of the day. A constant stream of thoughts enter my head all with unified purpose of making me feel like refried shit.
I'm sure that everyone can see that there is a "Made in Taiwan" sticker on my ass... blatantly signaling to the world that I was mass-produced in poor conditions with the worse materials and the least amount of care. And I have taken this shoddy start and used it to feel sorry for myself.
The Boy wants me to think that I'm giving up. Obviously I have depression because my mom does, my sister does, my grandmother did, my great-grandfather did. Obviously I have depression because a psychiatrist diagnosed me after talking with me for only twenty minutes. Obviously I have depression because it's easier to diagnose that than to stand up and look in the mirror and say right out loud "I don't have depression. I do not have mental illness. I'm just a lazy inconsistent fuck up."
Where is all the holly jolly attitude coming from? If you really have a jones for that I will tell you... I tried dumping the Boy again because I like to shoot myself in the foot and losing him would have been a cherry on top of my eat shit pie.
I don't know what I want but I know only that anything that makes me happy or even slightly content is a target for suspicion.
And as I openly feel sorry for my sorry ass self I am thinking about deleting this entire entry. It's not exactly cathartic at this point to type out everything that I hate about myself and just leave it lying for random strangers to find.
Got to go now and put gas in the car. Got to drive to St. Paul to sell t-shirts and the Boy's show. Got to keep moving while I still can. I'm an object that's too often at rest... because I can't think of a reason to get moving again.
Stop the world for now and I'll get back on soon... promise.
