forgotten misunderstanding
i haven't commented on the weekend trip to galveston the boy and i went on. it was fabulous but i do have a bit or two to say that really serves up a quandry on his character.
drove to houston to pick him up at the airport. while we were both a shade under the weather, we managed to smooch a bit before jumping in the car to participate in traffic. on our drive to galveston (which is just shy of an hour) we were not having too bad a time. then i brought up the fact that i had forgotten to apply last week's birth control patch in time and that we would have to make do with a condom.
dead silence followed and the boy waited a good twenty minutes before speaking this: 'do you know why i'm mad at you? it's because you are the most irresponsible person i have ever met!' he waited for a response then said: 'aren't you going to say anything?' to which i replied: 'i don't want to talk to you now.'
we drove for about thirty more minutes in heinous traffic without a word. checked into the room and the air was still sullied between us. we entered the room to find twin beds and he questioned me to find out if this was my doing (i am not shocked that he thought this, to be true - but it was not).
finally begin talking by blurting out that what he had said was 'truly a wretched thing to say. i'm very sensitive about my memory after the shock therapy and you know that. sometimes i have trouble remembering basic things. i forgot my father's name for fuck's sake. i sent my class on lunch twice the other day because i simply didn't remember that i had already done it. i don't tell you that sort of thing because i'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip but i trusted you to be an ounce more caring. that stuff scares the shit out of me. i don't know what parts of my memory are going to work. i'm scared. i'm fucking disappointed in you. i can't even look at you right now.'
at which point i stormed into the bathroom. drama does have its place, right? he came after me and when i opened the door after he yelled 'fucking open the door, i want to talk to you'... well, he grabbed me and hugged me really close. he apologized again and again. he didn't know that it was like that.
he held me for a long time then. we laid down on one of the twin beds and i cried. he pet my hair. he told me that the reason he was truly angry was that i wasn't taking care of myself. i forgot the birth control, i didn't go to the doctor when i said i would for my ulcer, i didn't get car insurance... he's right. i'm irresponsible.
i told him that being right wasn't important because he had really hurt me. 'i got angry and i wanted to make you angry. i thought that if i got angry you would do something. telling you that i'm worried about you doesn't get through.'
i hate to admit that i hadn't realized that he was worried. the times that he had said anything in regards to worry... well, i thought that he was just filling the role of concerned friend. saying the proper lines and instilling them with the proper meanings.
i guess not.
