let me out
it was my birthday and the texans took me out to karaoke for my birthday. i was carefully made stinky drunk and had a great time. however at the end of the night i ended up talking to a manager from here. he's a funny guy and i considered him completely unthreatening. well, i'm an idiot.
he hit on me and before i knew it we were kissing. he said some of the dirtiest things that i have ever heard. i was pretty much humoring him when i kissed him back. why in hell would i do that? what the fuck?
though it makes me cringe to put it in to words i know that i'm in love with eli. i want it to work and i really care about him. i don't want anything bad happening to him ever. then why would i kiss another guy? i could cop out and blame it on my drunkeness but i think you have to have a certain disposition before you start using that excuse. i was stumbling drunk, that's true. but i hesitate to say that i didn't have some form of control over what i was doing.
it's not going to happen again. i am not going to spend any time alone with this person. i messed up. i did exactly the thing that i fear eli is doing himself. this is the kind of hangover that will last for months.
i don't think that i deserve to have anyone say 'it's okay, shit happens' i don't really want anyone to, either. i fucked up. i can't take it back. i'm going to try not to dwell on it and i'm not going to tell eli just to clear my conscience. i'm just going to learn from my mistake.
i know that you won't read this eli, but i am big time sorry. it won't ever happen again...
but it's too late for that now, isn't it? shit
