double depression

setbacks are everywhere. small and large worries get thrown in one giant hamper and i carry it around with me. i don't stop to set it down but continue to pick up more. some days i wake up with my bag of negatives and it is too heavy for me to carry so i simply lie there under the weight of it.

today is one of those days. things are not bad, especially in comparison to the lives of those around me. i could go on about how my defeat today is not logical or deserved - it won't feel any less real for the reasoning.

i was told that i had dysthymia. since i also was diagnosed with major depression. together these make something called double depression.

given a scale of one to ten (ten being pure bliss and one being suicidal) here is how double depression was described to me. most adults who have stable mental health fluctuate around 7 or 8 with spikes for major events - both good and bad.

the person with double depression may sit in the 3 to 4 range almost all the time and experiences major depressions that sink one to around 1 or 2. i use this definition for explaining why i continue to fail at all treatment attempts. when i recover from a major depression i still have to deal with the chronic blues.

of course typing about it and making my situation look dire isn't a grand thing to do. there are good days and i enjoy them without fearing the days like today. i just wish that days like today weren't so damn frequent.

that is what i wish. that and for a $100 and a pint of butter brickle.