the fun of feeling guilty

guilt is a part of my depression. i feel it all the time and for almost everything. i'm sorry for worrying my friends and family. i feel rotten about the things i flake on because getting out of bed or leaving the house is too damn challenging. i miss doctor's appointments on purpose, then i beat myself up because i'm setting myself up for failure.

my shrink warned me that i needed to stay in line. take my meds and make my appointments. it's one big catch 22. if i felt better i could make it to my sessions; if i felt better i wouldn't need the damn things.

it's $20 to visit the psychiatrist and another $20 to visit the counselor. the things that are said at these appointments is simply rephrased versions of things that i have heard before. perhaps i don't want to get better? is it possible after all these years of living this way that i feel that this is normal? that the medicated version of me feels wrong because it's the only reality i recall.

if that were true then i would truly have something to feel guilty for. my constant sadness is a weight for many people that i love and if i've just gladly accepted that i don't think that i could live with myself. not that there are a lot of days that i do want to live with myself... i do have depression.

it would be nice to go to a movie or out dinner and not have to take me along. to not have to listen to the negative comments i make about everything that i say and do. that's the part of me i want to kill. if you could some how murder the bits that harp on you and keep the rest, wouldn't that be great? that would work for everyone, not just the depressed folk.

especially as ladies i feel that we are set up with the expectation that we should be doubting ourselves. that it's vain to be self-confident. would it really be considered vanity if you simply turned on your heel and ran away from all thoughts of taking yourself down a notch? hell no.

hell no.