All Dressed Up and Ready to Shower

a new training class started yesterday. i was working with the leftovers of a cold and the usual opening day stresses. i jumped all the hurdles though i left feeling more fried than the egg roll i had for lunch.

i schlocked into my local target store and tried to get a refill on my cold sore meds. wrong pharmacy, no can do. big deal, right? so to coddle my disappointed self i walked on over to the dvd section and bought myself two movies... i'm lucky that i didn't get three. i'm also lucky that i didn't bring my check card with me today or i have feeling that i'd be a repeat offender.

i went home with my bag full of pity movies. i stopped to grab a mandarin chicken salad from wendy's on the way. i'm thinking that was also out of pity for myself but a low-grade pity. if i'd really been down and out i'm sure that i would have gotten a value meal with fries and biggie-sized the damn thing.

i watched my movies and tried my best to ignore my roommates commenting on every moment of every scene. i took a shower and stumbled up to bed an hour after taking my sleeping meds and i waited for them to take over. and waited. and waited.

my roommates were too loud and i felt again that i was living in a stranger's place. i felt like i was in a motel. when the lights went out i heard the noises and my thoughts continued to race.

i became more and more anxious. i lay there clenching my hands and tossing the covers. finally i kicked off my comforter and ran down the stairs. my intention was to step into the shower in my pajamas and cry. this seemed sensible at the time. i flung open the bathroom door and flipped on the light. i saw myself in the mirror and stopped.

it was really fun seeing myself then. i had bags under my eyes and my hair looked like i'd been pulled of the set of the thriller video. i then noticed that i had run down the stairs in just a my "say no to drugs" t-shirt and some tighty-whities.

i started this odd mixture of crying and laughing. choking down tears and gurgling up chuckles at the same time. i grabbed on to the sides of the mirrors and said "you're okay, pumpkin. just brush your teeth and go to bed."

this leads me to think that there's really nothing wrong with me that colgate can't fix. knowing that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. not the lasting kind of better but much better than sitting in the tub, drenched and completely clothed.

i feel alternately certain that the boy is cheating and in love with me. the idea i believe depends on any number of things, most directly related to my level of sanity.

i am constantly living out of a duffel bag. even at "home" i'm digging through the remnants of clean clothes from my eternal sleepover at the boy's. it gets old. not to mention, it gets wrinkly.

i know that things need to change, kids. no use in telling me my head is planted firmly up my keister. the thing is i have all my energy directed somewhere else right now. it involves mostly getting out of bed and making it through the day without random crying.

i almost made it today. it was close. i dropped a few tears this morning as i found myself running late and stuck in traffic. surely the rest of the world never finds themselves in such the predicament. the rest of you plan ahead.

suckers.