Homesick or Something Similar
i didn't really let him. i don't really dig having someone fuss about me because i like not feeling helpless. there's so much that i feel that i can't do right now that having something that i can do - like get my own kleenex - is kind of nice.
however, too much time alone has me sitting and thinking. i found out that the brother of one of my best friend's from home died. it says that he "died at home". i think that he may have OD'd. in fact i'm almost positive. he had a one year-old daughter and a huge drug problem.
i've tried making myself feel better about things as i bump around the empty apartment but i am doing a poor job of it. as soon as the boy left for band practice i dug out the pictures [dig isn't really the right term they're just laying under stuff] of his ex and looked them over. felt great how did i expect it was going to feel? i knew that it was going to suck and just doing it is kind of like picking at a scab. i can tell myself not to do it and then i go right ahead and watch myself edging away at the edge of the thing with my fingernail.
i'm thinking of doing laundry. it's productive and i love the smell that comes with it. also i hate to think of how i will feel if it's ten or eleven or twelve and all i have accomplished is watching a movie... and writing a poor entry for my diary.
thing is i'm homesick. not for my actual home but for anything resembling home. somewhere safe and accepting. i don't have that right now and it makes me very fragile and tired.
add to that a cold, some jealously and instability, a couple lumps of mismanaged mental illness and voila! = you got me!
