Spoke In My Cycle
i sat across from the boy at breakfast on saturday. we spent the night before cuddling and not doing much else. we're talking about five or six hours of snuggling up to each other with the tv on or off. then breakfast and i bring up his visiting my hometown, he's less than excited. then he brings up this annual party in milwaukee that i'm not invited to due to shared friends who i ...dated. that's fine, right? but someone this is getting to me.
we run home after our mango pancakes and he asks me if i want to get naked. this is in reference to taking a shower together which we are both need badly. instead of replying by flinging off my threads and jumping into the shower i grab his hand. i utter the words that no one likes to hear "we need to talk."
is there anything more terrible than those words? the boy is begging me to tell him what it is and get it over with as i lead him towards the couch. i then pull another cliched phrase out of my rear; "this is n't working for me."
oh bloody hell. well, the truth is that it isn't working for me. we are heading up to our one year anniversary here folks. he won't admit to having feelings for me stronger than a deep liking. that's a problem. he likens getting serious about someone you aren't going to spend the rest of your life with as pointless. like unpacking boxes in an apartment that you are going to live in for one year because eventually you will have to move.
i explain that living in a huge apartment with your boxes packed up is a horrible way of going about things. that i know too many guys who think that this is perfectly acceptable because they tried unpacking a few times and didn't have great success.
i tell the boy that what i want is a real boyfriend. [even now i'm not sure what i mean by that] he tells me that he can't do that. so there won't be any "i love you" bits coming my way anytime soon. he has also made it quite clear that he doesn't want to hear any of that from me.
this talk goes on for about two hours. it also includes a long talk about me going to the doctor. facing up to my depression and getting help is important to the boy. he's pretty sure that one of the reasons that i want things over is because he continues to bring up a visit to the pill man. he's right. no one is going to nag me to go the minute we break up. without realizing it that's one of my goals in ending everything...
there's more. i am going to do some stupid work at my stupid job now.
[layout feedback is appreciated. i would love a different font for the entries so if you have an idea let me know. i wanted to use impact but it's terribly hard to read.
