college

the girl found herself in college. she was far enough away from her parents to make decisions. her mother had suggested theatre as a major. the girl thought this over and thought that the psychology minor she had been planning might work better for someone who was stable, not just good at faking it.

she started work on a theatre degree. on the way she met many people. they had their own problems, their own reasons for getting out of bed. the girl was 18, she had made it. she decided to give college a try and set her sights on 21.

she found drinking in college. she found boys. she found actors. this brought the girl a lot of reasons to keep an eye open for escape routes. she still took things too personally and too close to the bone.

her mother had the same problem. just before thanksgiving her mother walked into the psychiatric department and asked to be admitted. her mother was tired of pretending, too. so began the medication and the shock therapy. her mother took it all in and tried to start over. the girl waited and said what she could. she felt a hole opening beside her.

years went by and they closed the dorm she was living in. she was a resident assistant and helped others leave the building. she went to play practice and the costume shop, she went to class and spent every free hour packing. she moved into her new dorm and did not tell anyone the number or location.

she stopped sleeping in her bed and started laying in front of the tv. she stopped showering daily and wore the same clothes. she missed the cafeteria hours. she stole food at the union. she waited for phone calls from friends who had forgotten her.

her mother left her father and moved in with a girl from the psych ward. her mother was in a relationship with a woman. her parents had been married for 30 years. the girl realized that nothing was safe. she waited.

she waited for school to be over. she hoped for real friends. she hoped for happiness but she kept finding ways to not be home when happiness called. she tried going to the doctor and a therapist. those details are gone from the girl's mind. where she went and who she talked to. she only knew that those last two years in college were when the other shoe dropped. she had made 21. she wanted out. she saw her sister, her mother, her father. they were not well. the girl kept trying and kept her secrets. a break down would have to wait.