hold your tongue
small things still tear at her and she has begun tolerating life. she has stopped hoping for an end and now only wishes for a way to endure.
she held on as her grandfather's hand became cold in hers. she kept trying. she helped her sister cover up her smoking, cleaned up after the vomit, pretended not to hear the sounds of sex in the next room.
she auditions for a play. she gets a role and her mother is perplexed, 'what makes you think that you can act?' she didn't mean to sound critical but the girl knew that her family was not aware that she had been acting for a long time.
she continued to act. she kept hiding her sister's secrets. her parents wanted to believe in this deception so the role was never challenging.
one play had thrown her together with a friend that liked to ride in the girl's car. they spent too much time together and the girl thought that her friend had only adopted the personality of others and had still to grow her own. she humored her friend, she smiled.
this friend was there when the girl's sister began crying. she was there when the girl opened the bathroom door and found her sister had been planning her own escape. her wrists were bloody and her face was wet with tears.
the girl rushed her sister to the hospital. she had given her sister and her friend a beer, the first for her friend. her sister begged 'don't take me to the hospital. please. please!' but the girl couldn't hear this, this was a secret she wouldn't keep for her sister.
the girl's mother was a nursing supervisor at night and she was surprised to see her daughters. 'mom, she needs you. she's cut herself.' the girl shoved her sister's sleeves up and stepped back. it was the psych ward. it was her sister's turn.
her sister needn't have feared this as others in the family would follow. they told the girl that her sister was an alcoholic. the girl visited her sister in rehab but her parents were the ones who were forced to talk. she was surrounded by pamphlets that begged suicidal people to get help. she bit her tongue.
