Hermit Here, Hermit There

I think that I'm turning into a hermit. Big time. It could be that my ass is totally broke but it could also be that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Even when I'm at work I try to get away from my desk so that no one will know where I'm working. I have that opportunity as a trainer... I just go down to the training room and no one knows where I am. Unless of course they think about it and then they surely can figure it out.

I always think that people are mad at me or annoyed with me. And a lot of the time I'm annoyed with people or mad at them. So that would be transferrence, right doc? That reminds me that I still haven't called a doctor. I put it in a reminder today and when it popped up I hit snooze on it four times and then just reset it for tomorrow.

If you have ever been to a shrink you will know that when you make an appointment to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, or what have you, you don't actually see them the next day. Or perhaps even the same week... You might very well be waiting over a month or more to see your doctor. Then they want you to go away and dutifully take your medication and schedule another visit right away.

It just numbs my mind to think about all the effort involved in getting "well". I don't even truly believe that I have depression. Too many of us read all the diagnosis for a disease and start thinking that they have it. I might just be in that group and I don't really like to think about it too much because I know that I haven't really given anything a fair shake and so every day I look in the mirror and think about everything that is wrong with me and just how little I'm doing about any of it.

My bangs are in a funk too. They stick up at right angle to my face. Not all of them either but the ones on the right side of my face. I'm truly greatful that they aren't standing straight up but somedays that isn't much of a bonus.

Looking in the mirror and thinking that you look like refried hell does nothing for your self esteem. It does not make you wish for time with your friends and it does not encourage you to try, in my case it makes you want to crawl in to bed and eat Tostitos.

Another lovely upbeat entry. I'm living on chips and salsa right now because I have $5 left in the bank until Friday. Two more days left and I'm going to have to make due with whatever food I can scrounge up. The trip to Chicago this weekend will be interesting because I'm hoping that the Boy will foot many of the restaurant tabs. I paid $200 for the ticket to go to the show with him so that he wouldn't have to do it alone, this is payback time, right?

I don't know and I'm tired of thinking. Only three more hours at work and I'm free to go and hermit somewhere else. MWAH.