I Should Do Something About That

I couldn't enjoy balloons as a child. I worried about them flying away. I became anxious over them popping. I was aware that they were supposed to be a momentary pleasure but I knew that if I somehow lost or destroyed the balloon that I would end up a tiny puddle of sticky tears. I tied the balloon string to my wrist. I clutched on tight and checked the knot. I rechecked the knot. I had others check the knot on my wrist.

It's this sense of distrusting simple things that probably leads me to distrust most big holidays too. Mostly Christmas and New Years Eve because there is so much pressure attached to have it be happier than ever and more exciting...

Everyone seems to be getting ready to go home for the weekend and celebrate the 4th of July. I'm going home too but it's not the same as their experience. Many of them will be heading to the cabin or the lake or the lake cabin. I will be heading home to my binge drinking sister, my chemo-induced mother and my Parkinson's shaking father.

I don't want to appear ungrateful because I love my family and I'm looking forward to sharing time with them. I just long for the kind of care free family weekends or time with friends that I feel everyone else must enjoy. Does everyone else look forward to the weekends and holidays with such gusto because it is the free-for-all I picture them experiencing or because they have surrendered the fantasy?

I really don't know but I guess that I ruin my times of joy by comparison. Stinks. It's totally unnecessary.

I may be moving to a new apartment very soon. Same building but a one bedroom instead of a efficiency. That might help my mood quite a bit. It's nice having a place of my own but I don't think that having it all in one room is the best for my mood.

I'm also checking into work late and leaving early most days of the week. I've been informed by a fellow co-worker that I should watch my step. I know that she is right and that she's being helpful but all the same I feel like messing up on my own...

That's a great idea, isn't it? I should totally let this depression work me out of a job. That would be really wise on my end. Especially since I know from past experience that it would be easy enough to ask for some slack while I work out my problems.

Is it my wish to send myself into the deep end? It most definitely is! I should do something about that, right???