I Rant In Blank E-Mails Now

so if I keep doing this thing where I start an e-mail that I don't plan on sending... is that therapeutic? Is this kind of like diaryland without using the diary? Should I just go back and start using Diaryland? I would hate to post entries like this because they're long-winded and boring. just one long big ramble about absolutely nothing and I don't anyone to feel like they need to read that but this is how my mind works, to be perfectly honest. I type fast but my mind goes faster and faster and I can't shut it off and the gentlemen working on our house won't let me anyway, so it really doesn't matter. And I know that I should clean my room and that I should do Pilates but that just isn't going to happen. The fact that I haven't killed myself is a big deal and I'm going to hold on to that for the moment and make that my accomplishment for the day. I got up and brushed my teeth, showered and went to work. Oh, and I didn't kill myself. So there you have it, a big old successful kind of day that I should just jump up and down about but I really don't feel that happening. I have stopped making entries in my diary only to type long-winded rants in e-mail form. Ones that I will never send. I type like a mad woman while my class quietly works on learning about appropriate scripting for answering a Target Visa call and I really should be doing the exercise with them but I'm not sure if I care anymore. It's totally unfair to them that they were assigned a trainer that is so thoroughly unmotivated, as I am. I'm just in the middle of something right now. A quarter-life crisis, if you will. Taking that one big crisis at a time and trying not to let my bottom lip wobble too damn much. So excuse me if I don't push the envelope anymore. I'm too damned tired from beating myself up.

I have the strange feeling that I'm going to post this sucker. If I do, I really apologize for those of you who read this. I've been opening up blank e-mails all day and typing until I have to do something else. This just happened to be the one that I posted. I refuse to edit. That's what has been keeping me away... the pressure to write something that you will actually want to read instead of what is just going through my head right now.... because what's going through my head right now is not pretty or organized.

THANK YOU, PROZAC.