Choose Your Mood[s]

They're fixing the roof or the eaves or the what have you on the house that I pay rent to live in. I hate that house and I hate living there. I hate the thought of physically moving and the thought of searching for the apartment. I hate listening to the constant pounding on the house and the intermittent buzz saw noise that starts at 8:15. The last few days have started a thick fog in my brain and I lay around waiting for it to end. I'm doing anything actively to make it end just driving to random fast food joints to fill up my stomach at the appointed meal times.

It's a sad lonely feeling that I have and I'm only perpetuating it by the music I play in my car. The music is so unbashedly whiny that I have to turn it down whenever I near humanity. Or the form of humanity as I know it lately, the guy at the drive thru window.

The whole crap part is that I'm training a class right now of five lovely people and I couldn't be less motivated to see that they are learning everything and getting something out of the class. I count the days, the hours, the minutes as things to live through. Things to kill and there are so many of them. As I look at the clock each morning I look forward to the part of the day when class is over but I haven't yet stayed at work so late that I feel horribly stupid walking past the guard's desk.

I've had so little practice talking with people outside of class in the last few days and I choose this way instead of seeking people out. I find that I'm staring at nothing, my eyes out of focus. I try to shake my head and keep thinking but then I realize that I'd rather not. I'd rather that I wasn't thinking that I was only killing days, hours, minutes...

I don't want to be seen. I just want time to pass and to find that I've come out of the other end of whatever tunnel I currently find myself in. I know that this will pass. This is only another grey funk in the span of my life that will be worked through and the details forgotten. Perhaps I could kick a bit harder and try a bit to get to the top more quickly. Instead I think that I'll just hold my breath and wait to bob to the surface.

All I want to do right now is float. This is reality right now and I can't paste a smile on my face right now. I don't want to shine it on. I feel guilty for that but god it feels so hollow to pretend. Here ends another dreary entry but it helped to write it... And for this I am grateful if still not a bit ashamed for being so sad when nothing is truly wrong and when I feel that I am choosing depression. So be it.