Psycho Killer
I also finally spit out the words "I love you" during this same evening. Drunk and at a bar, I tell my one and only that I love him. Something that he doesn't want me to do and something that I know I'll probably regret later.
Then I tell him that since he doesn't want any of these things... to be in love with me or to get a place, that we should break up. They are things that I need and since he can't give them to me I need to end it. I don't want to be pathetic, I tell him. Things have to end and shit happens and there are no hard feelings.
So I go on with that but he stays with me anyway and we end up back at his apartment where I try to continue drinking. He wisely thwarts this effort and it's at this point that I start telling him details he has no business knowing about me. I tell him things that were said to me during... well a boyfriend in the past forced himself on me and said some pretty hurtful things during.
I told the Boy those things. I let him hear the hurt. I wanted to hate myself so much and these are all the things that I did to make myself absolutely miserable. I've done this before. I want to kill myself so I find the best ways to become detestable in my eyes so that the task is easier.
Messed up much? Ooh, definitely. The worst is having the knowledge that this is what I'm trying to do. Instead of just randomly fucking with my life so that I will find suicide more appealing I have the ability to see my motivations. It's hard to look myself in the eye [not really though, you just get a mirror and there you are]. I know what I'm doing and I know that I need help. I need to stop this.
Shit or get off the pot, right? I don't want to die. I don't want to do that to my friends or family. I really do believe that there is something out there for me and that there is a way for me to get happy. I don't know what I need to do right now but for some reason the Boy is sticking with me... at least he appears to be. God bless him.
I love him. The longer I know him the more I love him. I love him completely and without any doubts or "if only this was different..." holdbacks.
This is why pushing him away would be the worst thing that I could do. Yes, we're dysfunctional as hell. Hot damn. He can't hear that I love him and he won't commit. Same old song you hear in Cosmo every month. But this in between that we have right now is still better than anything I ever imagined that I would have. Far from settling here folks. This is a good thing. I don't need anyone's say so on that either... I just know it.
I can't write any more of this crap for today though. I'd love to stop looking inside for just an hour or two. Let my inner voice take a nap while I watch cartoons.
