i did it this time

ever have one of those days when you do something so horrible and stupid that you wish that you could sign up for duty in hell??? i sincerely wish that i had my shit together.

talked to j about a hookup tonight when i was at karaoke with him on tues. didn't hear from him by the time that i left work so invited myself over to eli's and a grand time was had by all... except j. he sent me a message via live journal that declared a hope for our meeting being tonight. have a feeling that he hovered around his apt all night waiting for me. was going to cook me spaghetti before we headed to ground zero to watch a friend dancing.

instead spent evening with eli having thai food and meaningless sex. have got to get out of this stink ass relationship. not good for me, not good for anyone. eli gets what he wants because there is no commitment placed on him. j and i hope to find something that is true and meaningful. problem is that i'm not looking for all of the meaningful stuff with j right now. oh, no. i'm looking for that with a dickhead. an honest to god loser who can't see straight. this is the fella that i hope picks his head out of his ass and sees that we make sense together.

it just ain't going to happen. i'm going to drug myself to sleep now and hope that this weekend i can make it up to people who give a shit and want to see me going places that don't involve fishnet stockings...