My Bad?

i almost feel like apologizing. that last entry sounded like i was begging for some kind of pity party. my honest intention is just to start setting the stuff that bothers me down. i'm going to walk around it, poke it with a stick and just leave it there.

i know that i'm not the only one who has a relative calling in drunk to christmas. i know that i'm not the only dealing with depression. i don't choose misery and i don't think that it chooses me.

it makes me wonder what this diary is really for sometimes. i started it to write about my depression. i've made some pretty bad decisions, sometimes by not making any decisions at all. i want to find out how things go to pieces and how i can avoid that in the future.

i'll admit that i'm a stat whore. i want people to read this. i just don't want to start worrying that i'm saying the wrong thing. i probably am saying, doing, thinking the wrong thing. i'm driving with a suspended license and updating my diary on the clock. i'm barely rational!

i just like the idea of throwing down thoughts and having them live somewhere. i like having references to time. i've been missing that. i look back and don't have time references for lots of things.

each day i get the chance to make more memories though. mommylap shared one with me last night.

i don't know what i'm doing. i just want to keep doing it...

proper.