Another Bad Idea!
I really just wanted to have some physical contact with him. I want to be able to have sex with somebody without all the hassle of testing or sharing details about my / his past. I'm tired and I just want to have someone come over and watch movies with me and then cuddle a bit. I didn't think that this would be a problem. That this would be something that he would willingly provide at least once a week without any reminders or prodding from me. Now that it isn't happening I feel worse than before. I guess that I just want someone to lean on when everything feels like it's ripping apart and he thinks he's doing it. He thinks that he's there. He feels like everything is under control because I don't break into tiny little pieces the moment I feel something.
Anyway, it was and is a horrible idea to be back with him. It just serves as an excuse for not considering anyone else or any other way of relating to someone. I don't want to haul off and start dating someone else right now but I fear that I might just to fill the hole that he left while there are so many other things to consider. I need a distraction and he just isn't up for providing it. As much as he cares about me it's just not a time commitment he's willing to make and it's far too obvious for me to deal with.
Poor me, right? Listen... this is something that we all know about me. I love flogging the shit out of the dead horse, my friends. I cannot stop until someone takes the horse and the implement of flogging away. I don't know truly how to stop the cycle of crap... Because maybe I can't.
