I Have Confidence, I Do?

my self-esteem is more idea, less concept in practice. i know that it is theoretically possible that i have a bit of control over how i see myself and how i control my actions and feelings as a result.

but i also realize that it is possible for the national debt to be eradicated and for hollywood to produce stars with realistic derrieres.

i wouldn't say that i enjoy having a low opinion of myself. oh, no. i can't stand the idea of gently drifting over into the land of the emo. i'd rather not think of everything garnished with a tear. when the generalized discontent i have with everything me turned into irritation then complete and total disappointment i wouldn't say that i was shocked... no, i wouldn't. but i would say that i realized that something would have to be done.

the few qualities that i listed in my positive/pros tally had started showing up as questionable at best. my job, for instance. i thought that i was kind of a rock star (albeit closer to peter cetera then jimi hendrix). then a couple of bad evaluations and my estimation of my ability there goes out the window. the trouble with that being pretty much the only bit i still believed in.

then i should quietly mention that i'm on day SIX of my freaking period. so that helps. feeling bloated, pimply, irritated and experiencing generalized intense pain... yeah, that helps with the old "i'm good enough, i'm smart enough" bit.

i find myself dreading my business trip. i was even becoming a bit delusional about the whole thing - sting sang 'every little thing she does is tragic'. last night on the plane i could not stop thinking all kinds of horrible mean nasty rotten thoughts.

then i found that i really didn't want to. that ending it all wasn't an answer but that i would need to find some other solution.

mommylap is sure to approve of my solution. i grabbed my journal and began writing out song lyrics. i'll spare you reading them but they are right here if you scroll down a bit. i channeled rodgers and hammerstein last night as i airborn over the sunshine state. 'despite what you see i have confidence in me...'

and i will tell you something amazing: it worked. i don't know how but i know that i didn't feel so scared or worried. i got up today and i managed. i even slept in a bit and i managed that too

i'll be training in minutes. they are going to come and get me and i will be spreading the gospel of corporate credit. who cares how it goes? it's just a very small ripple in what appears to be a pretty big wave. when i stop thinking that everything should end i find that there might be reasons for it after all.

my favorite sound of music site = to be honest i didn't realize that i would warm to a site that dealt with a julie andrews movie. but i have, oh i have!