Fear of Falling

one of my trainees isn't going to make it. i have that sinking feeling that i will have to talk to her lead tomorrow and give the suggestion for her not to return on monday.

i've never been fired. i've been close to demotion though. about a year and a half ago i was numb to everything. the details of my job didn't matter and i only wanted to do enough to stay out of trouble. when someone caught an error that had my name on it i did my best to keep doggie paddling my way through...

then i was told that this wasn't going to work out. the small step up the ladder i had taken wasn't going to work. the person who had trained me for my job had done a horrendous job. he didn't know how to do anything that my new position required. he didn't even know where to find the answers. when i realized that i was losing my grip i didn't have the energy to find out what i didn't know. i didn't care when i got things wrong, i just didn't want anyone pointing out my mistakes.

then it was suggested that i step back down the ladder. on that rung i had been a champion. on this rung i was annoying everyone with my incompetence. i applied for a new job and hoped that it would be offered before i had to step back down.

there was one day left on my rung when i was asked to join a new team. i started training then. ever since then i take full responsibility if someone doesn't know their job. i take full responsibility if i see someone slipping.

this person isn't grasping the material. it's a two month gig with no benefits. it shouldn't matter that much. but i hate to think that i'm the one stepping on her hands and forcing her to let go of the ladder.

it might not be very high up but it is always scary to fall.