In Which Our Hero Starts To Sink
i'm still sitting at work. i don't have a phone at my house so i don't want to leave. somehow having a phone makes things a bit better. once i return home i am truly cut off from everyone.
i haven't called my boss yet. i should. i don't think that i'll be able to cope with work tomorrow... but maybe i should force myself. i'm not sure but coming to work tomorrow could fall into the category of 'good for me'.
i just keep playing one hand of solitaire after the next. barely pausing to consider what i'm doing. i pulled my bosses business card out of my purse and then mentally prepared to make the call. i have no idea what to say to her... then after i do talk to her i should leave here.
but that means no damn phone. it's still about an hour or two before i can expect the boy back in town. i don't think that i want to go to his place tonight. i don't know if it will help to see him if he comes over to mine.
i'm quietly building a damn to hold in tears. i know that when i go home i will have to be strong for my mom, my dad, my sister. that i have hold on for just a bit longer. that falling apart tonight will make it harder to keep things pulled together for the days ahead.
i could really use a good falling apart. it's been a challenging few months... the fact that all of this coincides with my lack of medication isn't very fortunate. i go to the doctor, he prescribes, i take the meds, then i feel fake and phoney. i stop the meds and dullness retreats and i have to go back to dealing with the depression, as i am.
would it make me feel better to grab a milkshake and a plate of fries? probably. but i'm not going to chance driving anywhere. my luck is not running and i'm not going to push my driving privileges for a fat consumption comfort.
i'm thankful for mommylap and machita. they understand all this. they don't rush in to make anything better but help me to stick my head out and look at the options...
should i drive the 7 hours home with my suspended license? should i ask to borrow the boy's car? this trip i'm making officially takes away his meet the parents trip this weekend. perhaps he will be so grateful that he'll let me take his car with the plates that don't tattle on me. should i go tomorrow? should i try to call the people who suspended my license, explain the situation? should i call my bank?
i can't pay the people until my bank releases the funds... it's an out of state check so they are waiting. so am i. we're all waiting.
ain't we havin' fun?
