Target Practice

something else i was thinking of... sometimes when i am friends with someone i will do what feels like a party trick to me. i will psychoanalyze them and throw all their rationalizations and shadow boxing into the light. i'll let them see where they are hiding and i shove them into awareness.

it's very simple for me. i have spent most of my life practicing this trick on myself. i know all the motivations for what i do. i can see through my crap and know everything.

i hate it.

i think that i want that kind of responsibility taken away from me. i don't like that i know what i should be doing or thinking or saying. that i should feel differently about things. i can see when people are manipulating me and i don't stop them.

i let myself feel bad about who i am. no one expects me to. no one hates me the way i sometimes do. no one has ever yelled at me or beaten me quite like me. why not stop? why not forgive, forget and shut the hell up? why carry all of this around with you?

perhaps i should set up a diaryland service where i could offer to psychoanalyze people through their diaries. someone is bound to like that. at least i would be picking apart someone else for a change...

... because using myself as the target has gotten to be old hat.