I Want A Wife

i have decided what i would like for christmas. so i'm going to put all the details here and cross my fingers.

i would like a wife for christmas. seriously. i would like to have a wife on or before christmas and i will glady tell you why. here are things she could help me with...

• helping me keep an eye on the mK i spend. this could include giving me an allowance.
• returning my movies to the rental place, on time
• helping me to get laundry put away instead of simply piling it with best intentions, only to see it fall on the floor.
• remind me to call parents, sister, ghostbusters
• pick me up/drop me off at the airport
• purchasing groceries within my budget and making sure that we eat them before they become science projects
• send me to work with a sandwich and a hug
• rub my back and watch movies with me
• iron shirts if truly necessary
• help me remember things like birthdays, parking tickets, holidays, court dates, etc
• listen to my work/relationship troubles and coo sympathetically
• disallow me from joining columbia house, bmg, book of the month, etc.
• fixing the blooming internet connection and reworking my pc so that it does not take 20 minutes to load a page

qualifications:

• 18 and up
• literate or equivalent [has not read harry potter books but has seen the movies?]
• must not breath through mouth
• must not have audible cell phone ring
• must have own working car

compensation:

• no holidays
• free room and board [you must build your own bed though]
• meals [to be made and purchased by you at my expense]
• discounts at all locations owned by employer
• free use of my expansive CD, DVD and book collection at no expense to you

you can say that i'm being sexist but i don't care what gender applies here... i just need someone to do the job. any race, creed, gender, etc. bigots and those who wear juicy couture need not apply. i think that i've got something here.

bonus if you can cut hair or if you have a cute donna reed dress.