Less Shocks
j and i got off to a late start and tried heavily caffeinating ourselves. this was a success. we tripped over many conversation topics; work, friends, money, music, carrot top. then we bumped into the topic of relationships.
as with most nice guy stories, there is a bad girl in j's past. lest you think it is me, let me steer you right. there was once a girl who was going to be his bride. she was controlling and selfish, unkind and uncaring. we talked about her as there was some connection with her and most every other topic.
she is the reason, along with my decline of future romantic intent, that j will be giving up on the ladies. i gave him the old line about getting back there and trying. that most people cannot venture out and find what they are looking for without continually trying and failing. it's painful and horrid. that's true in good situations as well. but not looking means that not only will you miss the bad but the wonderful.
i actually threw out this bit of rubbish: 'think of it this way, j. should those who will not win the gold medal bother with the olympics? sure seems like a lot of work to take home less. isn't is possible that the experience is worth it?'
i know, i know. even bob costas, the sportsman corny enough to stick in even my unsportsman-like brain... even bob will be shuddering at that bit of tripe.
it wasn't until saturday night that j told me that he truly didn't think that eli deserved me. that should i ever give up my losing battle that he would be waiting. j and i had gone to coffee after a night at the bar had gotten unbearable. we did a bit of psychoanalyzing. sometimes it frays my nerves to hear myself talk. i definitely didn't have anything to offer that would have made him feel better.
our long drive home sunday had a lot more quiet time. it wasn't awkward, we had just said everything already. we had said a lot.
i don't know when i'll hear from j again or if it would even be good for him to stay in contact. the small number of friends that i have is shrinking. i trust people to fail but lately i have been surprised at just how low some are willing to stoop to prove worthy of that faith.
i don't give up on those who disappointment me. i just look towards a day when there will be those who don't. or just fewer shocks to be had.
