Testing In Progress
i have a bad habit in my relationships with others. i know that there are a few situations where i set up a test. at first i didn't realize that i was doing it but i figured out. when i was the ripe old age of 16 i began to understand what was going on.
here's an example from high school. i would have a concert coming up. months of rehearsal and a few solos i was worried about. the kind of thing that you want to have support for, have people tell you did well. well, i wouldn't tell my parents that i had a concert. if they found out i would down play the concert. i wanted them to go, badly. but i wouldn't demand it.
many times my parents would hear about concerts after the fact. from their friends. i'm sure that they felt embarassed and disappointed. i stuck to the idea that if they cared, they would show. they would get involved.
well that's a load of piss, to be frank. i shouldn't have expected that as a show of approval or of love. my parents ran their own business. they worked very long hours and they are very good people.
i went ahead and felt bad for myself when i saw the other parents line up outside the auditorium. i saw the flowers and the hugs. poor me. why aren't my parents here?
i still continue to pull this jackass behavior. i don't know that i'm doing it until i've stuck my foot in it. i did this sort of thing last night. i need the boy to pick me up at the airport tomorrow. i miss him, i need to see him. i want to get off the plane and be able to breathe him in.
last night on the phone, i didn't tell him that. i told him that it wasn't a big deal. i told him that he didn't have to if he didn't want to. so instead he's going to a birthday gathering. for a cute punk rock girl he had his eye on before me.
so, i should tell him. "i need you to pick me up." it's not fair to test people like this just so that i can feel depressed when they fail. he can fail under his own power. i can find other reasons to be depressed.
sometimes, i just really stink the place up.
